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๐‘ƒ๐‘Ž๐‘Ÿ๐‘ก ๐‘œ๐‘“ ๐‘€๐‘ฆ ๐‘‡๐‘’๐‘ ๐‘ก๐‘–๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘›๐‘ฆ... ๐ป๐‘’ ๐‘–๐‘  ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ก ๐‘‡โ„Ž๐‘Ÿ๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘”โ„Ž ๐‘Š๐‘–๐‘กโ„Ž ๐‘€๐‘’ ๐‘Œ๐ธ๐‘‡...

โ€œ๐ผ ๐ฟ๐ผ๐ธ๐ทโ€œ

Youโ€™re probably wondering what I lied about, why I lied, and why is this lie so important. Well I tried to commit suicide...


I never told anyone this before and every time someone asked me, I just told them no. I sounded sure that I was never suicidal, not knowing that I was. The only thing that was stopping me was the word of God & his ๐‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘œ๐‘š๐‘–๐‘ ๐‘’๐‘ .



I knew that this was against my religion and I also knew that committing suicide would send me to hell. But at the time none of that mattered.


Well letโ€™s talk about it.

It was back in December, which was a month after my mom passed. I was holding so much ๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘”๐‘’๐‘Ÿ, โ„Ž๐‘ข๐‘Ÿ๐‘ก, & ๐‘๐‘Ž๐‘–๐‘› in and did not know what to do. All I knew was that I did not want to be here anymore. I constantly asked God to take me from here and let me be with my parents. I was literally speaking death over my life not knowing how powerful those words were and how they would later affect me.


Although I was scared to cut myself, shoot myself, hang myself, or any other way of harming myself, I wanted someone else to do it to me! I kept saying I wanted someone to shoot me so I wouldnโ€™t have to deal with my pain anymore. I felt ๐‘ค๐‘’๐‘Ž๐‘˜... I felt like a ๐‘›๐‘œ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘‘๐‘ฆ...


A month later, January 31st, I had my first wreck. Youโ€™re probably thinking what does a wreck have to do with this but it actually has a lot to do with it. That wreck ๐‘ ๐‘Ž๐‘ฃ๐‘’๐‘‘ ๐‘š๐‘’...


A couple of weeks before the wreck I was speeding, I was going 110 when the speed limit was 55. And I ran off the road into some woods and my vehicle was in between two trees. I sat there and cried, constantly hitting the steering wheel, asking God why? Why didnโ€™t he let it happen. I wanted to ๐‘”๐‘œ... I wanted to ๐‘‘๐‘–๐‘’... I felt ๐‘๐‘ข๐‘Ÿ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ ๐‘’๐‘™๐‘’๐‘ ๐‘ ...


After trying to get myself out of some mud and watching cars pass me, I decided to go back home and act like nothing ever happened.


Fast forward to January 31st, it was a rainy day and I was on the way back to class and I hit someone. I had never been so shocked and scared in my life. Although no one was hurt physically I was ๐‘’๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘ก๐‘–๐‘œ๐‘›๐‘Ž๐‘™๐‘™๐‘ฆ โ„Ž๐‘ข๐‘Ÿ๐‘ก... I asked God why? Why did this happen to me? I was so lost as to why God continued to let things happen to me. Havenโ€™t I gone through enough Lord? None of it made sense & at that moment I realized that God โ„Ž๐‘Ž๐‘  ๐‘Ž ๐‘๐‘ข๐‘Ÿ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ ๐‘’ ๐‘“๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ ๐‘š๐‘’ & ๐‘กโ„Ž๐‘Ž๐‘ก โ„Ž๐‘’ ๐‘–๐‘  ๐‘›๐‘œ๐‘ก ๐‘กโ„Ž๐‘Ÿ๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘”โ„Ž ๐‘ค๐‘–๐‘กโ„Ž ๐‘š๐‘’ ๐‘Œ๐ธ๐‘‡...


The wreck left me with damage to my vehicle but Iโ€™m ๐‘กโ„Ž๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘˜๐‘“๐‘ข๐‘™ no one easy hurt & that the man did not want me to pay for the little damage I caused to his car.


This is rather a long blog. But I have been trying to โ„Ž๐‘’๐‘Ž๐‘™. And after praying today, this was something I needed to release and stop holding on to. I want each and every one of you to know that God is NOT through with you ๐‘Œ๐ธ๐‘‡... You have a ๐‘๐‘ข๐‘Ÿ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ ๐‘’ here on earth & although suicide seems so bad in the eyes of some people. You never know what someone is going through and what may have led them to do it. But I thank God that ๐‘–๐‘ก ๐‘ค๐‘Ž๐‘  ๐‘›๐‘œ๐‘ก ๐‘š๐‘’... I could have been dead but I thank God for ๐‘˜๐‘’๐‘’๐‘๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘š๐‘’...


Be ๐ต๐ฟ๐ธ๐‘†๐‘†๐ธ๐ท & know that God is not through with you ๐‘Œ๐ธ๐‘‡.


๐‘ƒโ„Ž๐‘–๐‘™๐‘–๐‘๐‘๐‘–๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘  1:6


โ€œAnd I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.โ€

โ€ญ



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